The River Church Community

This past couple of weeks, I have shed many tears.  At first tears of joy at the blessed new that Hannah Jane’s tumor had not grown this time.  Her many smiles and sense of joy is so precious to me, that it breaks my heart deeply to know that more pain will come and that this is pain that I will lead her into by returning to have more tests done.  The haunting images of brain injury and wrenching tears of sorrow and fear for the future began in earnest last week.

That Friday, at the oncologist, we saw her brain with surgery holes of damage through it and learned that, indeed, Hannah will have to have sedated MRIs with IVs every 3 months for many years to come, that the anti seizure med is causing developmental delays and that she cannot stop them yet because of the EEG results showed brain abnormality near the shunt insertion. 

Hannah Jane has had so many IVs and attempts that they had to search for the least scarred veins to try. She was so traumatized from the IVs being put in again and not succeeding that they gave her the medication to cause amnesia. 

Last week in remembering the images of her brain and her screams and horrific gasps trying to gulp in air at the MRI, I cried out to Abba and begged for an answer. “WHY, would a baby have this pain?  What is the good of her suffering so much?  How can you be glorified through this?”

Coupled with this soul searching, Rod and I feel so very pushed to the limits that we spoke to each other in thoughtless, harsh, wounding words and in that moment, I felt completely hopeless; I was even more alone and desperate and that I had no one, not even him, my best friend, left to turn to.

In my heart pounding, I cry to Father for mercy, but hear only silence as my tears spill out.  My heart breaks open.  I feel alone.  I feel helpless.  I feel worthless.  In my weeping, I feel my knees buckle and am pushed to the cliff’s edge.  How can a heart broken so many times be woven back together?  In that moment, I cannot find neither my faith to pick myself up, nor the strength and hope to believe.

I bring Christ my broken wings, I bring him my stolen dreams, and I bring him my shattered hopes.  I ask him to bind the enemy who whispers lies in a voice that is so deceptive that I believe it is mine enticing me to lose myself in darkness forever.

By God’s mercy, I recall that I had written to my precious daughter, Hannah, of fertile darkness.  I wrote,

 “Your life will know light and sunshine, but it will also know darkness and doubts.  I will teach you how to appreciate not just the radiance that God’s light holds, but also how to trust God in the fertile darkness.  For it is here, in the fertile darkness, my precious daughter, that seeds first begin to sprout and transform. 

May you grow to embrace that it is through God that you and those seeds can sprout and push up through the dark, rich and fertile soil and come into wholeness and light where your .  I promise to be here for you and will be right by your side as you push up through the darkness and doubts and come into God’s full and radiant light.”

I wrote this to her earlier this month and in crystal tears of hope, the Spirit of the Lord reveals his desire for me.  This time of darkness is preparing me at an even deeper level how to help Hannah Jane on her life journey.  In my flawed humanness, it seems that it is not enough for me to learn the lesson of “Fertile Darkness” once, twice or even 100 times.  It seems Abba has a gift in my brokenness.  It is both my blessing of brokenness and often painful personal journey that I must learn it over and over in NEW ways each time.

“Unseal my lips, O Lord,
that my mouth may praise you.
You do not desire a sacrifice,
or I would offer one.
You do not want a burnt offering.
The sacrifice you desire is a broken spirit.
You will not reject a broken and repentant heart, O God.”
- Psalm 51:15-17

This is a journey that God first revealed to me on March 16, 2007 and one that I continue and realize now will continue to discover in these new ways.  God desired me to seek and praise Him even in the darkness and to admit that I was completely broken without Him.  He desired me to come to Him with a broken and repentant heart and seek Him first.

I am humbled that he loves me enough and day by day, year by year he takes his time to shape me as I strive to learn better that which I desire to teach my daughter.  While the fearful part of me would love to hope that I never stumble in the darkness again, I know that is not how my journey will glorify God, nor how I can be an example and encouragement for Hannah Jane.

I have so much to learn.  My desire is to be as the pearl in the oyster, learning to not only surrender to, but to welcome the pain of being formed by the harsh, cutting shards of sand and trust that, the final fruition and destination of becoming the pearl is not that which I should seek eagerly, but that the journey including the cutting shards of sand and brokenness is that for which I should desire.

May I learn the lesson of the pearl, not with my human trembling fear, but instead with a heart of gratitude and eagerness.

With a humble heart, I ask for your prayers while I strive to learn the lesson of the pearl.

With gratitude,
Shannon